2019 - Week 5 Recap

Week 5 Recap

River - Jabba the Chub (5-0) vs Mat - Gay Ass (0-5)

The question burning on everyone's mind this week. Will Mat ever win again? I can't say yes with any confidence. I once again had the opportunity to win with the right moves but fucked it up by being a fuck up. River continues his undefeated streak with a 142-122 win over the resident taco, me. I left multiple ~20 point performances on my bench in Sony Michel, Matt Breida, and Courtland Sutton. While my "top tier" starters like Odell, Hopkins, and Conner languished in mediocrity. My rotating carousel of shitty QBs continue and I actually have to go crawling back to Kirk Cousins this week after Mason Rudolph died on the field. I still believe deep down that my team is good, when the dam breaks and I finally win one, I'll never lose again. River's 2 QBs Watson and Wilson combined for fucking 70 points. That's probably more points than I've gotten at QB in the first 5 weeks combined. That's really all he needed to beat me. Everyone else on his team could have just farted in each others' mouths and he would have still won. That's pretty much what they did. The only people who scored over 10 points was David Johnson (17) and Nick Chubb (10.4). River's RB1, the Patriots DEF, is gonna win him the league.

Jono - 2 Girls 1 Kupp (3-2) vs Brent - Wanna be a Waller (5-0)

Brent also rolls to 5-0 with the highest point total of the week. He impregnates Jono with a 180-144 pounding. Michael Thomas and Allen Robin balls out with 35 and 25 respectively. Brent got above average performances out of all his RBs. Zeke, Henry, and Carson all look like bellcows. He actually got a goose egg out of Mike Evans but it didn't even matter. I don't think he even noticed. Brent smartly benched Ekeler and Gallman this week. Even though I tried to bait him into chasing Gallman's points in last weeks' recap. I can hear his monotone laugh at my feeble attempt at intrigue. It's smart decisions like those that will win him the league. He does lose Evan Engram for the time being but he's carrying 2 other TEs in Waller and Hooper which should hold him over. Jono had really strong performances from his starting WRs. Kupp and Godwin look like every week blow ups, scoring 22 and 28 this week. Modern medical science is bullshit. Maybe we should all tear our ACLs so we can become more athletic like Kupp. However Jono being JonaThanos, kept all things balanced with two 0's from his 2 other WRs. Watkins and Dorsett both left the game with injuries. Not sure why he even started Dorsett when he's got Jordan Howard on the bench. Jono's bench is actually looking a little thing now with these injuries. Someone fleece him in a trade.

Sak - Thielen Myself (2-3) vs Justin - Phuck AB(0-5)

Thank God Justin is still in this 0 wins boat with me. I propose a side bet of some sort, first one to break the losing streak wins something. Help me come up with something fun. Maybe pastries dusted with cocaine. Sak had a great week, barely missing the top score with a 179-148 win over Justin. This week was unironically an Aaron Jonestown massacre. Jones put up 45 points, which is absolutely ludicrous, and still somehow wasn't the top scoring player in the league (Fuller put up 46 points on the waiver wire, now since picked up by Dylan the point chasing vulture). Adam Thielen finally put up numbers with 28 after shitting on Kirk Cousins in interviews. Hopefully this trend continues since I've bought back into the Kirk Circlejerk. Sak left some points on his bench with Michael Gallup and Calvin but nothing that screams bad decisions. Maybe he'll believe in the youth and play them over Larry Legend next week. Justin actually had an OK week and would have beat a few other people this week, but our league scores insane amounts and an OK week just isn't enough. Josh Jacobs is a fucking baller and DJ Chark (sing his name to the tune of Baby Shark, this will now come up in your head every time you hear his name, you're welcome) is everything that Dede Westbrook was supposed to be. Their heroic performances were not enough as Aaron Rodgers only puts up 9 points. Justin will be playing Dylan next week, he'll be in a prime spot to get that first win. And I'll be playing Sak, which is also an opportunity for me to finally get one. May the least worst man win.

Mike - Gucci Garopp (3-2) vs Dylan - Sixth Wentz (2-3)

My Power Rankings from last week are looking real sus now that Mike's lost another and River's continued to win. Dylan skates by Mike in the closest matchup of the week with a 170-162 win. Dylan had 2 nutty performances with CMC scoring 44 and Philly D scoring 35. That's Patriots D numbers. CMC will continue to do this kinda shit and we have come to expect this. Philly's D, however, is unexpected and hopefully unsustainable. The rest of his team was very pedestrian. Wentz and Rivers combined for 18 points and his next highest scoring player was Ertz at 14. I expect he falls back to reality next week, but his fall will be broken by the soft doughy interior of Justin's shitty team. Mike wasn't going to let the shitty QBs of Dylan's team outshine his shitty QB. Baker put up a fat 0 and was even benched before the end of the game. It's fun to watch the Browns brown, but that game was almost too painful to watch. I hate Cleveland but even our worst enemies deserve a mercy kill. Tom Brady did his best to make up for that with 24 points. Mike capitalized on that further with Julian Edelman's 21. Alvin and Dalvin continued to produce with a combined 35. Mike went all in on the return of Melvin and ended up with only 5. I'm sure this will improve over time but it did not pay off this week. In a sweet delicious twist of justice, Mike's choice to start the Bears D (who played against our very own Raiders) over the Niners D (who played against our least favorite the Browns) ended up being a colossal fuck up. Bears put up 4 points and the Niners put up 19 on his bench. He would have won if he didn't bet against the home team. He deserves every bit of regret that comes with that.