Week 10 Recap - Guest Writer Sak

Michael (4-6) vs River (6-4)

In the “Way this season maybe should have gone” bowl, Michael crushed River 181.74-89.60. Despite Mat’s draft grades, Thielen Myself’s front office felt it got the players it wanted in the draft, just not the performances. “Notably, our receiving core has sucked more dick than a Gen Z cis male at a BTS show, but the running backs, and Lamar Jackson, as anticipated, are studs,” said General Manager Nick Manning. “Just look at the total points.”

Michael’s team has put up 1,447.66 points this season (3rd best in the league), and is arguably better than their 4-6 record would indicate, but that’s the breaks. A series of terrible line up choices have led Thielen Myself straight into a series of must win weekly matchups to end the year. River’s team falls to 6-4 after a poor showing from most of their players. The Patriots defense, AKA only good because of their bullshit, JV schedule, was on bye, and still wasn’t the worst player in River’s line up. That honor goes to David “I’m gonna rush for 1000 and catch for 1000” Johnson with a whopping -0.5 points. 

Michael will look to win out to salvage any hope of a playoff appearance (but let’s be real, it’s not happening), and River’s team will likely continue getting exposed for what it is--a heap of overrated garbage (much like Jimmy Garoppolo)--on its way to the bottom of the trash pile--well the bottom of the trash bag, Mat’s team being that one dirty, old tissue at the bottom of the bin, underneath the bag, the one that never makes it into the bag, because the bag is covering it, so you forget about it every time the bag is in, and when you see it when you’re taking out the trash, you’re like, “I don’t really want to touch that,” so it just keeps sitting there.

Jono (8-2) vs Justin (3-7)

Surprise, surprise, Jono wins again. Let’s put aside the fact that he, the commissioner, has ended up with the first pick “at random” two years in a row, and focus on the fact that his team is a) 8-2, b) in first place, and c) the second lowest scoring team in the league. You heard me right. 2 Girls 1 Kupp has put up a 1,377.32. Only Mat has done worse. Yet Jono, who many are speculating has sold his soul to Satan to make (but not win) the playoffs, has seen a measly 1,251.46 points put up against his “first place” team. Coincidence? Probably, but for arguments sake, let’s say that Jono cheats.

He got good performances from Tyreek Hill and Kyler “Should have been on the A’s” Murray, but really that’s it. Jono’s team will obviously make the playoffs, but certainly looks vulnerable to some of the upper echelon team, like Brent (team was not a typo). I don’t necessarily want to say that Jono could be susceptible to losing to Mat, but it would be nice to have some company in the “I lost to Mat” club, and week 11 is certainly a winnable one for Defeated Since W7. Justin will look to bounce back against River in week 11, and because of the way the season is turning out, does still have an outside chance to make a run at the playoffs.

Mat (1-9) vs Mike (6-4)

Surprise, surprise, Mat loses again. Maybe you can tell I’m not surprised by these things. Defeated Since W7 started out the year hot, on fire, you might say, earning an A++ draft grade from owner, and likely not psychic, Mat Kwok, but it’s been basically all downhill from there. With the exception of a Week 6 win over America’s Team, Thielen Myself, Mat has gained sixty pounds over the past 10 weeks eating a ton of shit. 

Mike bet of the Bay Area QBs in week ten, and boy did it not really pay off for him. Carr and the homo formerly known as Jimmy Garoppolo combined for 24.14 points (only 2.44 points more than one of Mat’s starters, Sam “I have mono and see ghosts” Darnold. But it didn’t really matter. Mike got absolute tubthumpings from Christian Kirk (6-138-3), Amari “I like to smell Dak’s butthole” Cooper (11-147-1), and Dalvin Cook (183 total yards, TD). Melvin Gordon chipped in, as did the only good thing about the Niners (their defense), but this one was Mike’s to lose. He could have benched Cooper and Gordon and still won, if anyone is interested in that.

Mat got a nice game from Golden Tate, a surprising game from Sam Darnold, and solid games from Cousins and Ronald Jones, but he really can’t count on that week to week. It’s time to shut the door on Mat’s season in this league. Like many of us who took receivers early, Mat got fucked. There’s always playing spoiler, and there’s always next season. Mike and Brent are my two picks to win the league (though Brent is favored), but unless people start beating Jono, it’s going to end up being one of those Warriors/Rockets things, where people are like, “That was the real championship,” when they link up as the 2 and 3 seed in the playoffs.

Brent (7-3) vs Reese (5-5)

Brent thrashed Reese. I would guess that Wanna Be a Waller is the first team to break 200 points this year, but I haven’t gone back through and checked. It’s a tough loss for the Philadelphia Eagles who would have beat 4 of the eight teams in the league this week with their 136.70 output, but when you play someone who puts up 203.92, there’s probably not much you can do.

Looking over Brent’s roster, I’m not sure who to call out, solid QB play from “Baby Got” Prescott, and Patrick Mahomes, Henry went off, as did the Pittsburgh defense, but really, this was just balanced scoring from everywhere, except for Zeke, who will probably not be held to 7.3 points again. Reese made some rough calls at quarterback, but I guess an Eagles fan wouldn’t know what a smelly pile of shit Philip Rivers is, so maybe he’s not at fault, or maybe he shaved his mustache, or maybe having Philly on bye was too much for the Philadelphia Eagles to overcome.

Reese did leave some points on the board with Joe Mixon scoring 16.1 on his bench, but it wouldn’t have beaten Brent this week. It is something to consider moving forward though. Mixon could be poised for a big second half with Cinci benching the Red Rocket, and going run heavy. Definitely something to consider as the Philadelphia Eagles get ready for their winner take fifth place grudge match with Thielen Myself. Meanwhile, we’ll get a preview of the championship week 11 when the poorly name Gucci Garopp takes on Brent and Wanna Be a Waller.