Football is back, gay boys. You know what that means. Time for all new narratives; clean slate, redemption, fall from grace, and of course high octane intrigue. Here are some big questions for each league member we'll be looking to answer in this year's edition of Fantasy Football:
- Is Jono using humor to hide his raging anti-semitism? DeSean Jackson would approve.
- Will Mat resume his rightful place at the top (here's a hint, yes)?
- How will Dylan get fucked by the Eagles?
- Is River really black or just a dark skinned Korean? His hip hop themed team name only adds to the mystery.
- Who is Mike Tsou? I do not know this person.
- Will Michael accidentally drink some of his dip spit?
- Is Brent advocating for murder?
- How torn will Justin be that the Raiders are finally good, right after leaving Oakland and breaking his fragile heart?
Hopefully football provides us with these answers and more over the next tumultuous 3 months. Oh yeah, and there's a little thing called COVID going on. I will be taking bets on the O/U of number of infections due to players visiting strip clubs.
Alright enough of the intro and banter. Let's get into the football related stuff.
The Draft
There really isn't much to say about our drafts year to year. Everyone's team is stacked to the fucking gill with talent because of our small number of managers. The massive bench that we got this year adds a bit of strategy, since now most of us will have to make hard choices between a whole slew of top tier talent. Raheem Mostert or Miles Sanders? Nick Chubb or Kareem Hunt? Terry McLaurin or Davante Adams? Choices, choices, choices. This problem might just have been alleviated a bit by the absolute bloodbath that was Week 2 injuries though. Metlife Stadium oughta be outlawed. Well let's not spend too much more time on a draft that created 8 super teams and move on to match ups.
I'm going to skip Week 1 because that's just too much fucking work. But quick shout out to Justin and Dylan for scoring less than 100 points in an 8 man league where everyone pretty much as 3 RB1s and 3 WR1s. I don't even wanna look at your lineups from those 2 matchups. I might lose what few brain cells I have left to exasperation.
Head to Heads
Mat (2-0) vs Dylan (0-2)
Dylan lost to Justin last week, who put up a measly 97 points, so you'd think it's only up from here. Wrong. Dylan somehow put together a 79 point performance. The only up he's going to is up state to live on a farm, at least that's what mom told me when my dog died. He got a goose egg from Will Fuller and lost Saquon to a season ending injury, this is in addition to losing Leveon Bell last week to injury as well. He's got Diggs and Cupp on his bench who are legit WR1s that can salvage his season, but he is now completely lacking RB talent. I am strongly tempted offer him Miles Sanders and fleece his hometown bias. Beating Dylan with Miles Sanders brings a very specific type of joy to me, I think it's called "The Eagles Suck". Anyway, do we even have to talk about my team? I got strong performances across the board, to put up 136, about 30 points short of my week 1 explosion, but still enough to keep me in 1st and most points scored. Y'all thought I was washed up after my pitiful near last place finish last year, but autodraft hooked me up this year. Between CMC, Mostert, Hill, Julio, Miles Sanders, Hunter Henry, Adam Thielen, and of course the inimitable YOUNGHOE KOO. I'm pretty much locked to have non-consensual sex with most of you at one point or another.
Jono (1-1) vs Justin (1-1)
Jono pulls out the win in this nailbiter. Beating Justin by a mere 1.84 points. Jono has an immense WR core in AR, Woods, and Kelce (who could be one of the only 5 or so TE that will actually produce this year). Zeke is his best RB and one of the only elite RBs who has not had an injury scare yet. Leonard Fournette looks to be finally stepping into his role on the Bucs and could become a very dangerous RB down the road. Jeudy is also suddenly thrust into the spotlight with the exit of Sutton with a season ender. So his WR core gets stronger while his RB core has a chance to improve. All things considered, I think his future is bright. Just like his his freshly washed anime waifu pillow after a quick tumble with some Tide extra strength. Justin gave it a good effort but made a few mistakes, mistakes that anyone of us would have made, except maybe the 7 other managers in the league. By picking Andrews instead of Higbee, he left 21 points on the bench at the TE position, which would have easily defeated the commish. He also started Deshaun instead of Cam and lost a good 20 points. Have you watched the Texans play? Deshaun literally holds the ball for 20 seconds looking for Hopkins, just to realized they traded him for David Johnson. Justin still has probably the best RB core in the league, but his WRs are trash and he should feel bad. Godwin and Thomas coming back will be his saving grace.
Michael (2-0) vs River (0-2)
Michael specifically asked me to write a recap, probably because he thinks he's hot shit with the 2-0 record and 2nd place over all. But what I always say is, if you ain't first, you last. So to me, he's just another scrub in the bucket of crabs climbing over each other as I cruelly poke them back down into the bucket with my massive dong. I love a lot of players on his team, Cooper, Cook, Jones, Waller are all monsters who could easily fight for positional top 5 by the end of the season, BUT we can always count on Sak to make the wrong decision. Remember I mentioned Davante or McLaurin earlier? Happy to report that Sak chose the wrong one this week. He still won his match up handily, but that weak weak ain't gonna put you in my god tier. River put up a monster week, but just his bad luck that Michael firmly opposes BLM and had to put the kibosh on that. I like that River went back to Russell Wilson again this season, I think he'll have an MVP season and it'll pay dividends for his team. His starters are all badasses, dudes like Jonnu will end the season top 3-5 TE for sure (barring injury) and I've been an OBJ fan since day 1. If the Baker/OBJ connection proves real, then things might get spicy. How-so-ever, his bench is absolutely anemic. His bench combined for 31 points, 1 injury and he's fucked. Remember this is an 8 person league with a deep bench, 31 points on the bench is like eating foie gras and caviar every day, then one day you run out and all you got left is a can of spam in the cabinet.
Mike (1-1) vs Brent (1-1)
Mike, whoever that is... I think I kinda remember him from middle school or something, anyway this stranger that none of us have seen in ages put up a monster game. Thanks mostly to Kamara, Ridley, and above average performances from DST and K. Take your points where you can get them I always say, well sometimes say, ok that was the first time I've said that, but it sounds smart and I'm sticking with it. Everyone laugh at Mike because he's got Gronk on his bench. HAHA. Gronk is done and Dallas Goedert ain't it chief. Mike desperately needs Kittle back to get value out of that position. He's still got Edelman and Ingram on his bench which should prove to come in handy during BYE weeks or if he bones up and plays matchups. Lamar Jackson had a bad fantasy game but great IRL as usual, I highly doubt he scores <18 points again for the rest of the season. I think Mike has the scariest looking team to me of the bunch. Whoever brought in this rando to play in our friends only league fucked up. Brent got the other black magic QB. Dak looking like he's gonna put up some strong numbers all year. Brent's also got the freak of nature DK Metcalf, I really wish I drafted him in at least one of my many leagues, but it was not meant to be. He does have a strong core of RBs in Jacobs, Henry, Robinson, and Conner. He just has to make the right decisions every week. This team is definitely very middle of the pack as of now. I don't see anyone else on that team making a big improvement or becoming a top positional player. Maybe with the exception of Golloday who was starting to look like Megatron 2.0. They don't call him Babytron for nothing. Still I predict Brent sneaks into the play offs and gets crushed by the top seed immediately.
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That's it folks, a little longer than usually since we had 3 weeks of material to cover. Hope you enjoyed it, and fuck you you all suck.
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